Pillaged

Sarah nor I know what the hell happened to us. We ate dinner, we put the kids to bed, and then we spent the night losing weight. I'm not sure if I've ever been this sick. Last night I writhed around on the floor, apologizing to God for making fun of Tim Tebow, and swearing to myself that I'll be as healthy as possible once I'm well again. It's amazing how quickly we go from dignified, upright bipeds to groveling, howling toilet mongers.

And that's something I'd like to mention to my body. Do you have to go so crazy with the wholesale genocide? You'd think you could just isolate the bad guy and take him out, maybe escort him through the kidneys and send him away on a simple pee, so I don't have to feel like my alimentary canal is being dragged out by coat hangers.

We've dissected our dinner from last night. Avocado, tomatoes, sweet potatoes and quinoa. That's much healthier than we normally eat. Maybe my body's mad about that. Otto was almost too embarrassed to sit with us. If there's not meat, and evidence of animal sacrifice to sate his hunger, Otto's out. And so he was the only one who didn't get sick. Quin let loose a few times, but then he slept soundly while his parents crawled around and cursed.

I have one friend who got very sick from avocado. They found her passed out in a gas station bathroom, and eventually it was discovered the source: she didn't wash the skin of the avocado, and when she cut into it her knife dragged disease through the fruit. I've been thinking about that a lot. I've demonized the one avocado we have left. It's sitting on the counter and looking at me right now. It doesn't have eyes, of course, but it has an alien-shaped head, and I think it's reading my thoughts. I'm going to get up and throw it away, and that will pretty much my physical activity for the day.

Sarah did most of the work, as she's much tougher than myself. I took three baths, falling asleep in each one. I was Calgon boy while Sarah lay on the couch, occasionally resolving toy disputes between the boys. We became more part-time consultants as compared to full time parents, but the boys did well taking care of themselves. Otto even stole a sandwich from his more finicky brother and seemed quite content hiding under the table and eating it.

Tomorrow I plan on going to work, but I'm scared. I'm scared of food, liquid, smells, sudden movements and loud noises. My body is like a battlefield after a night of fighting. There's the occasional explosion and scream for help, and my stomach just made a noise that made Paco jump off the couch.